


drowning in your light

by littlelooneyluna



Category: robron
Genre: Angst, Child Abuse References, Falling In Love, M/M, Young!Aaron, affair
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-25
Updated: 2018-05-25
Packaged: 2019-05-13 18:13:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14753814
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlelooneyluna/pseuds/littlelooneyluna
Summary: aaron meets robert in the midst of the worst part of his life, and finds that the idiot seems to help ease his troubles more than he wants to admit.





	drowning in your light

**Author's Note:**

> i posted this on tumblr a few days ago and forgot to put it on here. hope you enjoy :))

 

Aaron is young and not exactly ugly but _also_ not a damn catch so that's exactly why he's in this bar at ten at night.

His hair is sticky against the back of his neck and he realises that he probably needs a hair cut and a change of style. It's ridiculous to be thinking about shit like this when he should be snogging a random and forgetting his troubles.

It's easy to call them that, just 'troubles', lacking permanence.

The song playing is some sort of pop rendition and Aaron cringes when he realises that someone is on the karaoke singing their heart out. That's when he decides it's time to hit the road, give in, go home and prove his mum right because he can't just pretend that _things_ aren't happening in his life for a few hours.

He slumps off the bar stool and falls into some idiot in a leather jacket whose eyes seem to sparkle when they meet Aaron's. He smiles when Aaron frowns at him and it makes the younger man feel funny.

"Sorry." Aaron mumbles out, because he's not sure if they whole incident was the fault of him so desperate to get away from the screeching of the middle aged women's voice.

The man frowns a little, "What did you say?" He leans closer and Aaron holds his nerve as he leans closer as well.

"I said sorry!" Aaron shouts and the guy shrugs his shoulders.

"A pint will clear it all up." The bloke has a certain cocky ridiculous charm about him and Aaron wants to wipe the smirk off his face.

He just isn't sure if he wants to snog it off or punch it off. It sticks in his mind and doesn't fade until he's buying the idiot a pint.

He nods out a thanks to Aaron and yeah it's definitely the snog one.

"Cheers." The guy looks older than he is, has a hand pressed down on his thigh and Aaron can't help but look down a little. "Haven't seen you here before." The bloke clearly wants to make conversation and Aaron wouldn't be this kind if he wasn't as fit as he is.

"Nah. First time." There's someone else on the karaoke now and Aaron cringes. "Won't be coming again mind."

The guy's eyes flicker a little. "That's a shame." He says and Aaron feels something become drawn out in his stomach, this tug.

It's what he's been waiting for to be honest.

It makes Aaron stand suddenly. "Doesn't have to be." He says, "You could always do something about it." And Aaron isn't good at this, he's never been good at being flirty and getting the good looking fuckers. It's not like they come to _him_ or anything but this is ridiculously stupidly annoying and if the guy turns him down Aaron will never leave his bedroom again.

The guy bites his lip and then laughs. "You sure you're legal? I don't want a court case on my hands here."

And it makes Aaron pale a little, makes his shoulders tighten and yeah fuck this is a mistake is _exactly_ what he is thinking until his mum is texting him, overbearing and _everywhere_.

"Meet me outside." Aaron says simply, and a cigarette later, the guy has a flat nearby and Aaron feels normal again.

 

::

 

The guy's name is Robert. He sort of has to find out before they fuck but that's just because it's weird to silently grunt out anything if you're not aware of the guy's name.

Robert sounds like an old man's name and Aaron tells him just as much when he's playing with his hands underneath the covers.

"Cheers." Robert says, a hand shaken through his hair and a frown on his face. "Aaron sounds like a kid's name but it's probably 'cause you are one." He doesn't miss a beat and Aaron's eyes harden.

"Piss off." He elbows, still sensitive and sore and Robert doesn't elbow back. He just laughs and it's all hearty and normal.

Robert seems really fucking normal and it's really fucking not fair at all.

"I'm twenty." Aaron admits, chews over his lip and pulls himself up on the bed whilst Robert just stares at him and then pulls a face. "What?"

Robert shrugs. "Got seven years on ya." He says, almost looks triumphant and Aaron arches an eyebrow.

It's a chunky age difference for a twenty year old and he already knows that Robert thinks he's about sixteen so this is great.

"Don't worry, it doesn't really show." Aaron praises, and it's awkward and unlike him but Robert made him feel things with ease and -

He buries it suddenly and stretches himself towards Robert. "I'm up for round two?" He says, pulls Robert closer by the back of his neck and begins kissing him harshly on the mouth. His kisses will probably swell Robert's lips and that makes Aaron's stomach flutter but he ignores it and carries on until Robert pulls up for air.

"You're a decent kisser." Robert teases, pulls a pillow across his stomach and Aaron gulps.

"Not so bad yourself, for an old man."

Robert squints dramatically and then pins Aaron down onto the bed and just for a second Aaron can barely handle it. He wants it all to stop, he wants to scream and then Robert goes and kisses his lips so gently and he melts.

And then his phone is goes off. Robert's. He sort of awkwardly looks down at Aaron, naked, dick hanging and eyes wide and then he's heaving off and Aaron doesn't say anything.

He watches Robert talking quietly and Aaron's face pales a little as something dawns on him. He smells perfume on the pillow he's holding and there's a pair of heels near the wardrobe. Nothing stings, he doesn't really give a fuck if he's honest but it makes him feel out of place and he's not sure why they didn't do this at a hotel.

Robert must be an experienced love rat.

Robert comes back into the room still naked and freckled and Aaron drops his head like he doesn't have the right to look anymore. "That your wife?" He dares to ask, he's not judging or anything but before Robert can even answer him he's finding his pants and not really wanting to know the answer anymore.

Robert pulls this face. "Girlfriend." He confirms, blinks quickly. "I had fun." He says. "Even if you're -"

"Just a stupid kid. Yeah." Aaron nods his head dramatically. "I'll be discreet." He gestures towards the door and Robert stops him from leaving.

"You don't have to go just yet." He says and Aaron frowns at him a little. "I had fun, I'd - wouldn't mind doing it again." He has this cheeky look about him and Aaron's eyes widen a little.

He's twenty and wouldn't call him an experienced lover but surely he's impressed the idiot if he wants this to happen again. Aaron just stares at him, thinks about the fact it happening again is surely just a coincidence.

It's messy, and wrong, but Robert kisses him like he genuinely means something and it's easy to get caught up in a feeling sometimes isn't it?

 

::

 

It's a causal thing.

Robert doesn't know anything about Aaron, nothing too deep anyway and it works both ways really.

They have this thing going. Aaron knows when his girlfriend isn't around and whenever Robert's free, he's there, and Robert is usually on his knees asking no questions.

That's what Aaron appreciates. Robert is a dick, a cocky bastard who rather clearly is a closet case or bisexual or just doesn't like labels but he's not going to think about it for too long because he doesn't need to.

Aaron's mouth is on Robert's this time, and they're both naked in Robert's bed whilst they try to catch their breathes and fail. There's something perfectly normal about the way they lay here and it's odd.

"How comes your girlfriend isn't around then?"

Robert frowns at Aaron. "That's a mood killer."

Only,

"What? I don't care." Aaron shrugs, because it works for him. He doesn't want a fucking boyfriend or whatever, he wants sex on tap which is almost too cringey to say aloud so he doesn't. Instead he just texts if Robert is free and their nights consist of this and only this.

Robert is still frowning and then he combs Aaron's hair. "This doesn't feel like an affair you know." He says suddenly. "It's just -"

"Causal." Aaron says. "An affair is all feelings and shit and I don't have any of those so -"

"You don't have _feelings_?" Robert says awkwardly.

Aaron turns red and he's said too much. "Not about relationships." He shrugs. "And don't say it's because I'm young. It's not that." He says, only Robert is just staring at him saying nothing at all. "Just rather have this part." He admits.

"This part, meaning sex with a good looking bastard?" Robert asks, eyes too soft and Aaron rolls his eyes.

It doesn't stop Aaron from rolling onto Robert's front and sighing. "Let's go again, just to shut you up."

And sometimes, it doesn't feel like Aaron's just this stupid kid.

 

::

 

His mum loses her shit, naturally, when she finds him sneaking out at eleven o'clock at night and he almost cringes against her alarm.

"I'm actually twenty years old, not twelve." Aaron hisses, only because everyone should be asleep and his mum is standing in her purple dressing gown by the door.

"Look love, I'm worried that you're burying the whole - you know, the whole situation." Chas is absolutely ridiculous and he can't even bring himself to say anything at all to her. "At least tell me where you're -"

"A bloke's flat alright? The same bloke as last time so you don't need to worry about me getting any -"

Chas waves her hand out and bites her lip. "I don't want you burying your head in the sand." She's almost pleading and Aaron sighs hard because yeah it's exactly what he's doing but sometimes it's nice to be entirely away from the life he's been forced to lead now.

And it's ridiculously embarrassing to admit that Robert is that welcomed released because he's quickly realising that he has his own issues.

But that's the way it goes.

"I want to feel something other than _worry_ and _shame_ alright, sue me!" Aaron slams the door as he goes, watches the pub shake a little and he doesn't even care.

 

::

 

Robert has gentle hands and a large mouth and he talks way too much during sex but Aaron is slowly welcoming it.

They're in the middle of fucking when he realises that he wouldn't mind staying the night so he does and Robert doesn't seem all that keen on kicking him out.

"You just going to sleep here then?" Robert asks, eyes soft as he tries to sound serious. "How do you know my girlfriend ain't coming around?"

Aaron gulps hard, he knows her now, he wasn't snooping or anything but Robert has a picture of them two saved as his phones wallpaper. She looks dead classy. Annoyingly gorgeous and Aaron doesn't stand a chance even if he wanted to.

Which, you know, he _doesn't_.

Aaron hides his feelings and buries his head into the mattress. "Well I'd not be up for a threesome." He says. "Considering I'm -"

"Gay yeah." Robert says, blinks quickly and then slides down in the bed. "You alright?" He asks suddenly and it's like he fucking knows that Aaron's had a shit day or something.

It makes Aaron shuffle away a little. "Why wouldn't I be?" He says, defence, of course.

Well done you, Aaron.

Robert scoffs a little. "Chill out. Just asking."

"You don't need to." Aaron says heavily. "We're not even friends with benefits, we're just -"

"So why are you staying the night?" Robert says, a smile on his face and he should find Aaron absolutely impossible. Aaron pushes and prods and almost waits for Robert to tell him to do one but he doesn't and it leaves Aaron annoyingly speechless sometimes.

"Bed's comfy." Aaron shrugs out an answer and Robert kisses the side of his head before he turns the lights off and falls against Aaron's shoulder.

 

::

 

Something catches him in the middle night and it's too embarrassing for words to be honest. One minute, he's sure that he feels Robert's arms wrapped around him and the next, they're older and tighter and he's eight years old again.

It doesn't help that Robert is a deep sleeper.

He doesn't pull away as Aaron pushes and it takes a great _shove_ to stir him as Aaron tries to catch his breath.

"Aaron?" Robert mumbles, its pitch black in the room and his hands search for the lamp before he flicks it on and sees the man hugging his knees against his chest and -

"Are you -"

He's crying, _yes_.

And all of this is so suddenly and stupidly an awful mistake and Robert shouldn't be seeing him in such a state.

"I - I should go." Aaron battles through the feeling, the way he needs a hug, needs something and Robert is too stunned to offer one.

Aaron hates him suddenly, hates _himself_ for ever thinking that he could just so casually need something psychical when he clearly needs _more_. He needs comfort and softness and feelings and Robert can't offer him that.

"Don't - no - I'll get you some water." Robert offers, jumps out of bed and for a second, Aaron makes the mistake of looking at the concern over his face. It's embarrassingly clear to see as he runs towards his kitchen in nothing but a pair of blue pants.

Aaron goes before he comes back, fights the need to hug him.

 

::

 

It's not like Robert doesn't text him because he does.

Four times.

But the guy has a job and a girlfriend and not any time to chase around stupid boys who cry in the middle of the night.

Aaron holds his pint tighter as he thinks about it and can't get passed the fear in his chest of doing it _again_.

So he doesn't see him.

He doesn't see anyone.

 

::

 

A week later, he's apparently more miserable and Paddy's on 'watch' because of course he's going to do something stupid.

"We're all just worried aren't we?" Paddy is a good man, a boring and normal and good man and Aaron loves him but he doesn't need this right now. "I know the plea hearing is tomorrow, how about you go out and get your mind off things."

It's like Paddy is silently urging Aaron to have some fun meaningless sex and it only makes his insides churn.

"I'm fine thanks." Aaron says, lies, but whatever.

The sun is out today, not a cloud in the sky and he should be enjoying himself like any other lad his age but he isn't.

He's awaiting a plea hearing because his dad is a monster.

 

::

 

The plea hearing is a fucking nightmare but who cares. His mum cries and Paddy turns bright red and his dad is an excellent actor.

So it's all going to be a big court trial and Aaron cannot wait.

By that he means he cannot think of anything worse.

It's been too long now, he decides, too long since he felt something other than sadness and it's what prompts him to walk into Robert's classy office building and be waiting on a leather chair for him to walk in on.

He's out of place of course, jeans and a hoodie and _trainers_ and Robert's mouth hangs open when he sees him.

"Aaron." Robert says, jaw tensing and Aaron chews his gum nervously.

"Hiya." Aaron waves like an idiot and gulps hard as Robert comes towards the desk and sits.

"Haven't heard from you. Thought we were done." Robert says suddenly.

"I never said that."

"No you didn't. What you did is just _walk_ out of my flat in the middle of the night and make me worry about you like a dick."

Aaron's chest burns. "You were worried?" He says almost to himself and Robert's mouth hangs open.

"What's wrong with you?" Robert says suddenly. "Is this - you enjoying me wondering what the fuck I did to make you cry?"

Aaron's eyes widen and Robert was supposed to make him laugh and forget not cry. Asshole. If Robert was anyone else, Aaron would be fucking someone new by now but Robert looks at him sometimes like he's special.

"It wasn't you." Aaron snaps. "Get over yourself." He shouts and Robert tells him to do one, naturally. "I wanted to say sorry." He shouts, again. "I wanted - wanted you." He says heavily, too fucking heavily and Robert starts walking towards the door.

It's only to lock it though, and then he's dragging Aaron against the wall and kissing him breathlessly.

Aaron drops to his knees with a smile on his face and Robert still makes him feel like nothing else matters.

 

::

 

Chrissie's not around for a whole week, Robert's girlfriend with the nice hair and expensive perfume.

She's away and Aaron practically never leaves. He watches Robert cook for them and talk about his family and surprisingly Aaron actually cares.

"They're not too keen on the whole liking both genders thing. My dad died hating it and my brother Andy decided to continue the legacy." Robert gulps and Aaron sees his Adam's apple bobble up and down. "My sister Vic is great but - I don't really see her that much, she lives in the same village Andy does so ..."

Aaron crinkles his noes and looks less than impressed. He hates this Andy as soon as Robert's eyes turn glassy.

They chat about vague aspects of Aaron's family set up, he divulges that he lives in a pub with his mum and aunt and her kid. And Aaron likes it.

They also have sex a lot which is always desired.

Robert's not angry at him anymore for going AWOL, but he has also become annoying because he kisses Aaron sometimes just because and it's too soft for Aaron to handle.

Now is one of those times, Robert is cooking pasta and he turns the hob off and kisses Aaron's cheek.

"Stop being soft." Aaron says suddenly and Robert's eyes flicker.

"You love it."

Love.

Love.

Love.

"I don't alright. If I - wanted a boyfriend I'd find one." Aaron says, and he makes Robert frown and genuinely look hurt. "Shit, sorry - come here." And he pulls Robert towards the wall and strips him.

He even kisses at Robert's neck.

Leaves bruises as he thinks about the word Love and -

They only stops when the pot boils over and the pasta is well and truly ruined.

 

::

 

The trial is set.

Annoyingly it's close and Aaron is even more determined to pretend like it isn't even a thing.

Chas is worried about him, obsessively so and he puts up with it until he hears her sobbing in her room to Paddy and he has to think of something else.

So he rings Robert. It takes five rings and with each passing one he feels the point of the call dwindle.

"Hello?" Aaron smiles a little as he hears Robert's voice and tears form in his eyes as he soaks it in. It's soft and pathetic but Robert seems to be the only good thing going on right now and he's not even _his_. "Aaron? Is that you?"

The questions shake Aaron a little and he sniffs. "Yeah. It's me." He says slowly.

"Oh. You thinking about me in bed then?" Robert's ridiculously charming and also an absolute bastard but without fail, Aaron's laughing and it almost drowns out how bleak everything feels.

"Something like that." Aaron whispers, keeps hold of the way Robert rabbits on about absolute shit and then slips in the fact that he's won some business deal he's been working on for ages. "Mate that's - I'm -"

He's proud.

There's really no denying that but he doesn't tell Robert that because their causal affair set up doesn't allow for him to feel or think or say that.

"Congrats." He whispers instead and then a long cycle of silence stretches between them before Aaron feels the sound of heels against wooden floor and something in his heart aches.

"Aaron, I've got to go." Robert says, hastily, like he can't stay for a second longer and Aaron wants to talk all night which is a joke.

Robert must think he is as well really considering that he's just this emotional mess of a man with clear issues he doesn't tell him about.

"Bye then." Aaron says, and the call ends.

 

::

 

He sees less and less of Robert over the next week and it's because Robert dares to have a life and Aaron dares to think about the trial.

It's like there's nothing else he can think about and Robert deserves better than for Aaron to lose his shit around him again.

Only he caves, sends a sloppy text at half one and Robert lets him in just before Aaron is sick in his lobby.

"Jesus Aaron." Robert is a neat freak, borderline OCD and Aaron is _sorry_. "You could have waited to get to the toilet." Because he's been sick on his wooden floor and embarrassingly become this hunk of a liability.

"I'm sorry." Aaron says, eyes closed and shuddering a little. "Wanted to feel something else." He says. "Wanted you."

Robert hesitates before placing a hand on Aaron's shoulder. "You're in no state to -"

"Just sleep." Aaron has drunk too much and dares to speak his mind. "Just to - not be alone." He says, looks up and Robert's eyes flicker.

"Okay." He says, and the next thing Aaron knows, it's six in the morning and Robert's on the floor with blankets scattered around him.

"What -" Aaron's head bangs and he leans cautiously over the bed to see Robert stirring awake. His eyes are red raw and there's a bottle of whiskey next to him.

"You're awake." Robert whispers, and it takes seconds for his face to become red and his eyes are wet. He's clearly nervous, hair all flat against his hair and Aaron nods at him cautiously before turning over his phone and seeing that his mum has left him a billion messages.

When he looks back at Robert, he's still just staring at him.

"What's wrong?" Aaron's panicking, heart thudding in his chest and he doesn't remember much from last night but he's clearly embarrassed himself. "Why are you on the floor you idiot?" He tries to make light of it but Robert visibly shakes and Aaron's face drops.

"You pushed me off the bed." Robert says and Aaron scoffs.

"Sorry your royal highness, I was a little drunk -"

"You were thrashing around Aaron. You were crying and - you said -" Robert gulps hard and Aaron's eyes widen. "You said you didn't want to do _that_ , I don't -" he has a hand in his hair and Aaron looks away.

"Shut up." He says, because everything is suddenly all murky and _awfully_ mixed together.

"Aaron, you said you're dad -"

"Shut the fuck up!" Aaron screams, head spinning and hating himself for ever thinking that this would possibly ever even begin to work.

Robert raises his hands in the air and gives in, slowly sits on the bed as Aaron shakes. "You don't need to explain."

Aaron doesn't say anything, feels his hair curled and thick and his heart thuds as he looks at Robert. He's this beautiful man. He's freckled and soft and bright, too intelligent and worldly for Aaron to deserve and now he knows about _this_.

It's not fucking fair.

"I was drunk." Aaron says suddenly. "I wasn't making sense."

Robert arches an eyebrow. "For the most part, no. But I kissed your neck and - you started losing it." Aaron raises his head and Robert has tears in his eyes. "That was _clear_."

Aaron wipes his face. "Yeah fine." He says, gives in and Robert has tears in his eyes suddenly. "You're right. He did that and I've got a whole trial coming up so that's fucking fun."

Robert's eyes just widen and Aaron can't bare to look at him, he reaches out for his clothes instead and hears Robert sigh.

"Aaron, where are you going? We need to -"

"Talk? No." Aaron shakes his head. "I get enough of that at home and I don't need a _cheat_ to tell me how I should feel okay?"

It's stupid, doesn't make any sense but Aaron doesn't want it to. He just wants Robert to back off and not look at him like he's this fragile little thing.

"I'm sorry." Robert says and he shouldn't be, Aaron's not an idiot, he's aware that this is a lot to take in and the whiskey on the floor is enough of an indication that Robert didn't take it very well. "Let me make you something to eat."

"I don't want your pity." Aaron tells him. "We both know why this started, don't act like you give a shit about -"

"I do though." Robert blurts out, all emotional and annoying. "I do care about you and I'm sorry that - that I -"

"That you've got a girlfriend, that you love her and she's the person in your life, not some messed up twenty year old?" Aaron gulps hard. "Because you're not sorry, mate, even I wouldn't pick me." He says.

And Robert looks gutted, goes to speak but Aaron's hand is out before he can.

"Bye Robert."

And there goes the last bit of normal he had.

 

::

 

Robert turns into a stalker with all his texts and Aaron puts his phone on silent just to prove a point.

It only makes him miserable though and he ends up baring his stupid soul to Paddy one night which is ridiculous.

He's staring at a text Robert has sent him, asking if he's okay, if he wants him to come around to his or anything and he doesn't know what to say back. He's hesitating over it when Paddy comes barrelling in with a smile on his face.

"You alright?" He's asking almost instantly and the back room isn't really a back room when friends of the family can just come on in whenever they please.

Aaron wants to say as much but then finds himself relenting, he just nods instead and Paddy frowns at him just a little.

"What's on your mind?"

And truthfully, it's just him.

"Is it your dad?" Paddy is fishing and it makes Aaron pull awkwardly at his purple jumper. "Has he been round here? Hassling ya?"

Aaron sighs hard and looks up at Paddy. He's thankful that Gordon's stayed away so far, hasn't been about teasing him about anything related to the trial. "It's not him." He says suddenly and that only makes Paddy raise an eyebrow.

"Well then -"

Almost on cue, Aaron's phone starts ringing and Robert's name starts bobbing up and down for Paddy to see.

"Oh." Paddy says. "It's - it's a bloke."

Aaron barely nods, looks down. "He knows." He says, and he honestly can't get passed how much that aches. "I was drunk and I - can't even remember what happened but we were in bed and I just woke up thrashing." He keeps his head down as he speaks. "I knew it would happen again."

Paddy doesn't say anything for a second or two. "How did he take it?"

Aaron hasn't even allowed himself to think about that. "He didn't think I was lying, he -" he's back to where he was a year ago, he's telling his mum about Gordon and doubting whether she'd honestly believe a word of what he was saying. Robert did. He just _did_ and he wanted to help him. He tells Paddy and it makes the older man smile. "He wanted to listen to me, help."

"Well then _let_ him help you through it."

Only there's a fucking small catch and it makes Aaron's shoulders fall.

"It's an affair. He's - he's got a girlfriend and a life and - it's just best I stop now it's got all mixed up in _this_."

And Paddy doesn't disagree verbally, he goes to speak, maybe to change Aaron's mind but the thought of Robert leaving his cosy set up for _this_ is laughable to Aaron.

So he watches the name bobble away from his view.

 

::

 

He thinks he's got away with the pestering but then his mum joins in a few days later and he's caught off guard.

He misses him, he genuinely really misses the idiot and he just wishes he didn't _know_.

"You look all down again." His mum complains, like his head isn't all over the place enough. "I hate to see you like this."

And Aaron's not a fan of feeling like shit either but sometimes there's nothing you can do.

At least Paddy's not blabbed.

"This time last week you - I don't know, you seemed happier." She shrugs and then stops herself and Aaron gulps hard.

This time last week, he was still in Robert's bed laughing and having an a okay time forgetting about the court case. But even _that_ has been tainted.

"Things change." He says vaguely, decides that there's no point in dwelling on the way Robert cares about him now.

"For the better I hope." Chas smiles a little, eyes watery and Charity nods her head behind her like she just _knows_.

Aaron hopes she's right too, it's why he heads out to the bar and gets dragged into the toilets by some bloke called Craig with a mop of black hair.

Only it does nothing and _Craig_ isn't blonde and doesn't make him laugh and that tug just isn't there so there's no point in forcing something to work is there?

He leaves disappointed and alone and thinks of Robert when he sorts himself out that night.

 

::

 

He gives in stupidly.

He knocks on Robert's stupid door and kisses his stupid face and doesn't want to think about anything else as he feels Robert pull away.

"Aaron." Robert hasn't said his name so softly before and it's on the verge of odd as Aaron tries not to let it mean anything.

"I want you." Aaron says, shrugs a little. "On the bed, now." He kisses Robert's neck but the older man pushes at him again and Aaron wants to hate him. "You don't want me? Fine. I'll go find someone who does."

He's a child, petulant and sad and in need of someone and it can't be Robert.

Only Robert holds him by the arm and won't let him go. "Come here." He says gently, eyes flickering and he bites his lip as Aaron still looks towards the door. "Aaron, please."

Aaron thinks Robert's crying, can almost _hear_ him and it takes a second but he turns towards him and within seconds he's against Robert chest and he's _sobbing_.

It's embarrassing, the way he clings and needs him desperately and its overwhelming. It flows right through him and he can't stop this desire to be in Robert's arms until everything around him stops hurting.

"I've got you." Aaron hears, Robert presses a kiss against Aaron's hair and it makes the younger man squeeze his eyes shut. "You're safe."

And Aaron feels safe.

He does.

That's why he stays, legs crossed on Robert's bed and the moon up as they speak quietly.

He tells him the basics, the abuse, the abandonment, telling the police before how did anything to his mum.

And Robert is annoyingly good at listening to him.

"So, the trial is -"

Aaron looks down. "You don't need to know." He says. "It's not like he's going to get found guilty anyway."

Robert frowns. "You don't know that." He says. "The bastard might get the book thrown at him."

Aaron's eyes flicker. "Or he could get off scott free. Either way, I'll still feel like this. Dead. Numb." He closes his eyes and then frowns. "You made me feel something again." He admits and Robert has never looked so soft before in his life. Aaron brushes his tears away. "Forget I said that."

"Like I can." Robert admits, and Aaron stares at him for too long as Robert plays with the duvet awkwardly. "Not when I feel the same."

Aaron sniffs. "Yeah well, I'm sure Chrissie would love to know about that."

Robert blows out a breath. "I wouldn't know." He says slowly and Aaron frowns at him. "I broke up with her."

And it makes Aaron's heart turn to goo. "You did what?" He says.

"You heard me." Robert is embarrassingly soft sometimes. "I finished it with her because -"

"I told you about my dad?"

Robert's eyes widen. "It was before that. It was - a while back now." He says vaguely and Aaron doesn't understand. "I wanted to tell you but I thought it would freak you out and you'd go." He looks around the room and Aaron suddenly realises that he hasn't seen any heels around the place for a while.

It makes something jolt in his chest again. "You shouldn't have." Aaron mumbles. "You're a twat." He says.

"Maybe so." Robert gulps hard and then he looks straight at Aaron and his eyes glisten. "A twat who loves ya."

And _that_ is enough to make Aaron jump up and lose his whole mind because that _word_ is one he doesn't know an awful lot about. It's tainted and sad and leads to someone leaving you eventually.

And Robert _loves_ him?

"Don't say that." Aaron runs a hand through his hair and wipes at his eyes. "You don't mean it and I -"

"Don't push me away now." Robert knows him, stubbornly even Aaron can admit that and it hurts to think that he has to hurt him this way. "I want to be there for you."

"I don't want you to be!" Aaron shouts, "You didn't ask for this, and - it's not fair." His chin wobbles and Robert drops his head. "I don't need you - sitting there, holding my hand and telling me it's all going to be okay."

Only he does.

Only it's all he wants.

Robert sniffs, "I think you're just scared of someone actually caring about you." He slowly walks up to Aaron, soft touches and eyes warm as he strokes Aaron's arm. "You don't have to be scared of me."

Only Aaron has never been more scared of Robert and all that he means.

Aaron shuffles away, predictably. "I'm not. I just don't want you to fuss." He warns. "If you cared, you'd stay away until it's all over and done with."

Robert looks like he can't think of anything worse and Aaron wants to hate him for it but can't because that's not possible when he feels the way he does.

"Whatever you want." Robert says, jaw tense and eyes wet and Aaron nods a little before he feels Robert kiss his cheek. "Look after yourself okay?" He says and Aaron nearly collapses against Robert's hold.

 

::

 

The suit he's wearing looks like a funeral one, all drab and sad and his tie is too long, makes him look like he's about twelve.

Marlon of all people fixes it for him and looks like he's about to cry as he does it. "You keep your head up, say your piece." He says. "They'll find him guilty, you watch."

"Cheers." Aaron says, it's all he really says when anyone wishes him luck for something so awfully dark.

He's still thinking about it as he looks at his phone and expects to see something from Robert. Just a little something but there's nothing there and he's back to feeling numb by the time he's in the court room.

He's having a moment alone and he's trying not to cry too heavily because he wants to look strong when he gives his testimony. The gravity of it all manages to latch onto him though and it won't let go.

Paddy's the one who makes him jump out of his skin and he nearly tells him to do one but Paddy gives good hugs and he still feels like that sixteen year old he took pity on.

"Robert not here?" And Aaron almost blushes as he wipes the tears from his face and shakes his head. "Oh. That's a shame."

"I told him not to come." Aaron admits.

Paddy nods. "Probably for the best if he's carrying on with his poor girlfriend." He waves a hand up and Aaron's eyes flicker and dart and Paddy sighs. "He finished it?"

And apparently he's a mind reader.

"Aaron ..."

It's Aaron's turn to wave a hand out now though. "Not now." He pleads and Paddy just nods.

"I'm so proud of you. Already. Whatever happens." Paddy says, a smile on his face and a redness to his cheeks that won't budge. Aaron almost smiles back and yeah it's been a journey, from telling Paddy to telling his mum and then telling the police.

"Thank you. I - I wouldn't have got here without you." He sniffs a little and then half smiles. "Dad." He makes Paddy cry and then he's being squeezed to death.

He doesn't mind all that much at all.

He almost believes he deserves it.

 

::

 

His mum and uncle are either side of him and he feels safe, he can't deny that, but he also feels like there's this hollowness in his chest that won't budge and he blames Robert for it.

He blames the man who came along and made all the darkness a little lighter.

"You've got this." Cain pats his back just before Aaron's led away, briefed, told to swear on the Bible and he has to pretend like Gordon's not staring right at him.

He feels his legs buckle as he stands there, hands sweating against the wood and his eyes flicking towards the docks every so often as the questions pour in. He decides to lose it on the last one, just a causal almost plea for the jury to see how much Gordon has impacted his life so far.

And it fucking hurts.

"He's made - made it almost impossible to be happy." It's not nice hearing his mum cry but he feels like it's the first time he can genuinely be open about just how much all of this has ached him for years. "He's everywhere, up here." He points to his forehead and twists. "Knowing what he did, it can never leave me and that's - that's something I have to live with forever. Knowing that someone who was supposed to protect me could hurt me like that and it's all I think about sometimes. I just - I tighten up and I don't let anyone close and -"

One of the heavy doors is opened suddenly and Aaron's eyes flicker as he sees Robert walking in. Face pale and eyes sorry, burgundy suit on which makes him look even more beautiful than usual. Aaron has his mouth open at he looks at him standing there and then slowly sitting.

For a second he doesn't say anything, just watches him mouth out that he's sorry. And then he's being urged to carry on.

"Like I said I - I don't let anyone close. And when I do, I ruin it." His eyes flicker to Robert and then away again. "Because he made me think that nothing could ever be good, no one could ever love me. But he was wrong." He practically feels his mother brighten. "Because I can be loved, and I deserve it. For some weird messed up reasons, I'm loved and he hasn't taken that away from me. He hurt me, but he didn't break me." He shudders a little. "Because I can love." Aaron feels Robert look up and he nods towards him. "I can and I do." Robert has tears in his eyes and he smiles a little before Aaron wipes his face. "So I'm not his _victim_ , I'm me, and he hadn't _ruined_ my life. It's only just started."

 

::

 

Chas smothers him, naturally and he's even reduced Cain to tears.

"God, he's getting sent down for this love." She keeps promising that, over and over again and he wants to believe it's true. He almost smiles and then she lets go and he can breathe again.

He wipes at his face and she looks over Aaron's shoulder to wear Robert is standing.

"He's easy on the eye."

"Mum ..."

Aaron has his hands in his pockets and sighs as she waves at him. And then Paddy is smiling a little and doing the same.

"You go, speak to him." Chas pushes him away, towards Robert who is just standing there awkwardly.

"Yeah. Go on." Paddy ushers and Aaron feels his heart beat out of his chest as he closes in.

Aaron looks at Robert up and down and soaks him in with a softness about him. "I thought I told ya to stay away, if you cared." He says, and Robert's face falls.

"Well I couldn't." Robert gulps. "And not because I don't care - it's because I -" He bites his lip. "I think you're amazing." He shrugs. "There."

Aaron bites his lip and has tears in his eyes. "Amazing?" He says.

Robert nods. "Yeah." He whispers. "And not because of all of _this_ , 'cause you made a pretty shallow idiot want to stop being such a dick -"

"You're not a dick." Aaron tells him, smiles. "You're a lot of things but - not a dick." He says.

"Aaron ..."

"Hug me." Aaron pleads because he needs it and he's missed it and he doesn't care who sees. Robert half smiles and then has his arms wrapped around him, and he doesn't let go. He just keeps holding him and he doesn't stop until a verdict is reached and they're all being dragged back inside.

And Robert's there, holding his hand and squeezing and telling him that everything is going to be okay.

And it is.

Sort of.

He gets given twelve years and Aaron's not sure if that's justice because how can any length of time be, but he's _guilty_ and Aaron can _live_ again.

His mum has her arms wrapped around him, sobs and sobs and he finds this release as they take him away and Robert is still holding his hand.

 

::

 

Chas is on the phone outside the court room ringing everyone and Aaron uses the time to catch his breath and digest everything.

"Thought you could use this." Robert offers him a weak coffee and Aaron smiles.

"Thanks." He says and Robert shrugs. "No I mean, thank you." He's shit at this. "I've been impossible -"

"Aaron, you've been through -"

"I don't care. You didn't deserve all the mixed signals and shouting and shit I gave you." Aaron tells him, places a hand on Robert's chest and it's soft and delicate for them. "You shouldn't have had to deal with it."

"Well I did." Robert tells him. "'Cause I love you and I don't care how much that scares me anymore. If you can stand up there and say all of that, I can tell you and -" He blows out a breath. "My family as well."

Aaron's eyes widen and he wraps his arms around Robert tightly, he remembers the chats, he remembers how his father reacted to that one incident, he remembers how anxious Robert's brother makes him. He also knows his sister will probably bake them a cake by the way Robert has described her.

"You're brilliant." Aaron kisses Robert's head and then pulls away smiling a little, eyes watery and Robert leans closer to kiss Aaron's mouth.

"Oi. The mother here, hi." Chas butts in and calls Robert gorgeous and offers him a ride back to the pub.

Aaron holds his hand to the car.

 

::

 

Chas has a gathering for him, refuses to call it a celebration but she's clearly over the moon about the sentencing and let's it show.

Aaron's not exactly hiding but he finds himself in his room staring up at the ceiling and has a little cry about how heavy everything still feels around him. He hopes it dies down soon.

And then right on cue, Robert's knocking on the door and laying on the bed next to him.

"Finally escaped your mum and Paddy." Robert says easily, his tie is a little crooked now and his face is red, probably from the blushing against the compliments from Faith. Aaron already knows.

He cringes a little. "Sorry, about them. Shouldn't have just left you on your own down there."

Robert smiles though, crinkles form around his eyes and he really is beautiful. "They're not _vultures_. Paddy tried to act like one though, you told him about us being an affair?"

And Aaron nods out a sorry.

"He didn't think I was serious, you know, about this, you. But I showed up so apparently I've ticked a few boxes." Robert almost looks proud of himself and Aaron smiles at him faintly.

"I'm glad you did." Aaron says into the air and Robert looks a little lost. "Turn up. You - it helped." He admits and Robert nods politely.

"That's all I wanted." Robert's eyes flicker and maybe he's just got that smug charming look about him because it doesn't seem to fade even now.

They both stare up at the ceiling until Robert stares back at Aaron.

"We don't have to do anything you don't want to do you know?" Robert tells him. "If you're not ready for - I don't know, a relationship, a proper one then -"

Aaron looks at him, pulls a hand over Robert's face and gulps. "I want you. In a really really simple way." He says. "I want a life with you, without any sadness." He says and Robert makes him want to grow up and think about things properly and want a good old fucking life.

Robert smiles a little shyly, locks his hand into Aaron's. "I can do that." He says and then pulls their hands towards Aaron's chest and kisses the side of his head a little gently. "You know I'm so proud of you."

Aaron doesn't know what to say, just nods a little and it means a lot. It's weird that this once cocky bastard, with all the leather jackets and jeans, who Aaron could only admit was good looking bastard and great in bed, has this opinion now which means the world to Aaron.

The world and more, if that's possible.

He thinks of what Paddy said less than an hour ago when Aaron was still down stairs. He said he was proud of Aaron again, that Robert seemed nice enough, that apparently Aaron _glowed_ when he saw him.

It was embarrassing but Aaron believes it to be true. He also believes that Robert loves him in this soft factual way and it makes his heart tug. It makes him stretch closer towards Robert now and the older man lets go of his hand before combing through Aaron's hair.

"What?" Robert asks and Aaron's eyes flicker, without him even realising, he's fallen into this darkness and he can't lie to Robert like this.

"It still feels like he's around." Aaron m admits, chews at his lip. "I want him gone." He whispers and Robert kisses his head.

"It'll take time." Robert says silently, "But one day, you'll wake up and he won't be the first person you think of. You won't be scared."

Aaron feels this warmth fly through his chest.

"He's already not the first person I think of." Aaron almost speaks to himself but then he blushes when Robert grins at him.

And they're not soft.

Only Aaron lets Robert kiss him over and over again until his toes curl.

"Robert." Aaron says softly, and Robert pulls away with a frown on his face. Aaron's bawled over by him, by the commotion downstairs and everyone who actually care about him, by the kindness of the world sometimes and the fact that he finally feels something other than sadness. He holds Robert's face in his hands and smiles faintly and everything is going to be okay like this. "I love you."

Robert's eyes flicker. "I love you too." He whispers, gentle, slow, and everything Aaron's ever been afraid of melts away as he nestles closer to Robert and feels a future stretch out between them.

It looks bright.

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> let me know what you thought :)


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